Hi Mohammed,
I think your thesis doesn’t exactly flow but I see a start to a good idea. If I were to reword it I think I would say: The emptiness that many of us experience is a result of our over thinking and constant performing of cool. I think your main idea is a little unclear, it seems that your arguments are very broad but there is no conclusion to any of it or any tying together. I think your three main points are the obsession cool, the love of attention and tattoos. I think if you used my thesis your three arguments would help prove your point. I hope that helps…
In my HW 34 I quoted the poet Gwendolyn Brooks, I think one paragraph of this assignment has a tie into your point: "I wonder how they feel about themselves..." (Gwendolyn Brooks) I was surprised when she said that line I was expecting her to say something along the lines of, I wonder if they think they are cool for not going to school... I think the way she decided to put it however makes a whole lot more sense to finding the purpose of cool. Having high self-esteem is something we all want and I think that when someone has it his or her appearance and personality seems a whole lot stronger. However even the most confident person to us may seem like they know exactly what they are doing and are positive about themselves but may have a completely different idea of themselves then what appears to an onlooker. It seems as if most people for their whole lives try to find their purpose for being here, and so we observe all of the things around us. One of them being other people, we have this whole idea that by looking at other people we will find the answer. But in reality we all are so different so I don't think we are looking in the right places. I think the reason why so many people are alike is because we observe hundreds of people every day and we pick up on traits that appear to be making the person happy. Just as Gwendolyn Brooks was trying to say, what drives them to do the things they do... if they can do it can't I do it too?
I think a couple of things that could make your paper stronger are, 1. Check your spelling and grammar throughout the whole paper (spell check on Microsoft word) 2. Organize your paragraphs better; make an introduction, which will include your thesis at the end. Also create a conclusion to sum up all your ideas. 3. Your first body paragraph seems a lot stronger than your 2nd and 3rd, try using the 1st paragraph as a sample to help the other two. 3. I think to make your paragraphs stronger you need some evidence to help back up your points.
Hope all of this is useful, let me know if you have any questions about what I posted.
Hi Amon,
From reading your paper I believe that your main idea is clothes and tattoos can only take you so far. In order to completely satisfy our arch type we must purchase certain things both removal and non-removal. I like your thesis but maybe this could work as well: Coolness gives off the illusion that we are much cooler than we really are and creates a sense of being individual when in reality we are all just followers. Sorry if that might not make sense just let me know if you want something different.
From my HW 29, which as relation to your idea on individuality: “There is no solution to discovering cool you force cool to move on to the next thing.” It’s a never-ending cycle that we continue to allow to repeat itself because we don’t have the self-control to stop it. It seems as if we like the media in a weird way, that without them we wouldn’t be able to function. Is it the fact that we are afraid to be ourselves so we constantly need the “advice” from those who know best? However for a person who hasn’t necessarily caught on to this it isn’t what will look best on you or what will help you be a better person all around, it’s the product that will sell the best. Then there is also the idea of being an “individual” the truth is no one is. There isn’t one person in the world that is far different from the rest of us. We are all just copies of one another. Although we hate to admit it, in reality it’s the truth. So when we find one person cool I am sure there is someone out there who is just like them, does this mean they are both cool or does that make them both uncool? I think attention is nice as long as it is positive but it seems that most of the time attention is usually negative. Do we do all of this to be happier people? If the attention we receive is negative how can we be happy? Corporations are funding us with the right attire to satisfy the arch type we live up too. So in a way we are both doing each other favors we give them money they give us “happiness”.
I think a couple of things I would change are 1. You do use your brother as evidence but maybe a direct quote from him? 2. I think you are getting at something really great in your conclusion but maybe you can elaborate on “endless alternation” 3. I like what you are saying for your opening sentence but it seems a tad bit unclear, however that might just be me…
If you have any questions let me know, good start though!
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