HW 17 OUTLINE COMMENTS

Hi Mohammed,

Here are my suggestions; I broke it down by each section…

Thesis Revision: I think that you have a good start to your thesis but I think rewording it might be a good idea. I would say: The overuse of technology present in the USA shows signs of laziness and unhealthy behavior. Which leads to a nation of indoor activity and bad eating habits.

Argument 1 Revision: I think this paragraph has a good start; I think that for your evidence should focus around someone who used to live in the Middle East and now lives in the United States. You said that we are a dumber nation, what is your proof of that? There are smart people in this country and so what if they are on the phones 24/7?

Argument 2 Revision: I think you have a good idea going for this…Maybe you can discuss the movie Wall-E, and it can be your evidence of the US obesity rate rising. Also the rate of diabetes rising.

Argument 3 Revision: WRITE IT!

Conclusion Revision: Make sure the point you are trying to come across is made clear through your evidence!